We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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