This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
