My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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