Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
