yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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