he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
