i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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