So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
