Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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