The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
