so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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