This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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