These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
