Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
