I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
