Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
