my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
