my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
