What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
