No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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