Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
