the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Two words: blizzard sex
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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