I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
