How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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