I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
