There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
