Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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