you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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