I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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