I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
