i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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