Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You dont lie about slip and slides
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
