Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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