You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
