I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
