I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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