Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
