barbara walters just said penis...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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