Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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