dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
