You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
