I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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