Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
