dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
