I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
