i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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