Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
please don't ironically join a cult
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