You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
