All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
