my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
