Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
