i wish my penis had a tongue
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
