the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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