I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
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You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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