so that wasnt chicken after all
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
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Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
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Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.