I look better un-naked...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.