I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"