The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital