Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
