I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize