Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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