Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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